Choices.

One sister. I just finished a good Skype conversation with one sister. I find myself avoiding personal confrontation issues on this blog. And here I am rehashing the entire conversation in my head. And rehashing some of it right here. On my veryownblog. I try to avoid confrontation issues with my siblings. Not very successfully, I might add. At the end, she and I agreed to disagree. And we love each other. But just like in a Pat Conroy novel, my family makes me more than a little crazy. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em.

We have almost polar opposite views of dealing with Mom. I can only speak my view because I am not sure I will get hers right. I try to be realistic in my view of Mom. I believe when a person reaches the ripe age of 92 she/he should be allowed to let some things go. I don't expect Mom to be the same person she was, even say, at 72. Or even 82. No matter what she decides to do, or not do, it is okay with me. It is fine with me if she sleeps late. It is fine with me if she doesn't want to go to lunch with friends. It takes effort to be social. She may not have the stamina to be so social anymore. That is fine with me. She is 92. It is not going to get better. She is not going to grow perkier. It is okay if she doesn't spread her wings and fly now that Dad is gone (like some of my siblings might have believed).

I acknowledge that she is virtually deaf. I accept that new technology isn't always the best idea. I think at 92 I will be tired. If I live that long. And I think it is okay to be old. And tired. When you are 92.

 It is okay with me if she self-shrinks her own world.

I believe Sister thinks that I view Mom's situation as the cup being half empty. Maybe I do. I think I will do a little reflecting on that. I don't think it will change the way I look at Mom's situation. I want to treat and speak to Mom like the adult she is. Not like a child, or a fragile egg, that needs protecting. I like to think that I have a realistic view of my Mother.

Sister said it is all about choices. How we choose to look at and deal with Mom. She chooses to see Mom as a person that can handle learning new technology. It doesn't dawn on, nor bother Sister, that Mom may be frustrated by new technology. Sister says our differing views and relationships with Mom are guided by our choices. Its all about choices. And my opinions will not change her choices. And vice versa. Bottom line is - when you have polar opposite ideas - then the other person's opinions seem very wrong. But. Neither of us will change our way of looking at Mom.

I got the feeling that Sister believes that Dad wanted to do more for Mom the last year of his life. That somehow he was discouraged from it. How can I put this?  Dad couldn't get out of bed by himself. Dad hurt. When he was awake. When he was asleep. When he moved. When he was still. He hurt. All. The. Time. Why would I encourage him to continue to do things for Mom when he hurt like that? Why would anyone? I guess Dad had choices, too. He could have chosen to get up and do what hurt. And some days he did. But on other days he did not. He chose the path of less resistance. The more comfortable path. And at 92, why not? He had nothing more to prove to anyone.

See. It can make me crazy. And so. I breathe. Deep breaths. Breathe in. Breathe out. Let it go.

Yes. We can disagree. I can concede that maybe neither of us is totally right. I can only say that Pat Conroy has nothing on my family. I could tell him a thing. Or two.